What does it say about me as a person that, if Katie Price was selling cyanide capsules, I'd probably buy an entire case and pop them like candy? Besides that I'm awesome and people are genuinely surprised to learn I don't drive a battleship to work.

Source: Katie Price's salesmanship has drastically improved

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There's no real reason I'm posting these, I'm just fond of photos of Victoria Beckham. Boy, that's some natural looking cleavage isn't it? I'm pretty sure her plastic surgeon just cut an orange in half and super glued them in there.

Source: Victoria Beckham for absolutely no reason

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Fresh off his breakup with Paris Hilton, Benji Madden went out in Hollywood as a single man last night, and if I were him, I'd be grinning like I got doused in the face with Smylex gas. But probably even more so considering he just escaped the vaginal equivalent of a rusty bear trap - tied to a land mine. THE SUPERFICIAL: 2008 WINNER AMERICAN GYNECOLOGICAL AND OBSTETRICAL SOCIETY AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN LADY PARTS REPORTING

Source: Benji Madden: 'Where the ladies at? Oh, right, hiding.'

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You know what's always a good thing to do before punching celebrities in a charity boxing match? Check with your parole officer. A crucial step Michael Lohan seems to have skipped, according to TMZ:

Lindsay's dad got the hook for that charity boxing match next week, because he's still on parole for assault from 2004. "We do not feel that participating in a violent activity, such as celebrity boxing," says a parole rep, "is appropriate for his rehabilitation."

Someone needs to put Michael Lohan's face on the Wikipedia page for FAIL. Along with Heidi & Spencer, Criss Angel and my local Dunkin Donuts for, I shit you not, running out of donuts today. That's like KFC running out of chicken. Or, even more frightening, me running out of penis jokes. Shh, shh. I was only joking. It's alright. Okay, take a deep breath. No, seriously, breathe. Somebody get these readers some paper bags! STAT.

Source: Michael Lohan is a jackass

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Man, British people are smart. The folks over at BBC News made a startling discovery over the weekend: Karolina Kurkova doesn't have a belly button. Wait. Women have belly buttons? When did that happen?:

Its absence was noticed this week when the 24-year-old graced a US catwalk for lingerie giant Victoria Secret. While most of us have an "outie" or an "innie", Ms Kurkova has a smooth indentation (although sometimes a tummy button is airbrushed onto her photos in post-production).
Ms Kurkova has not spoken publicly about how she came to have a smooth navel, and all her agent will say is "she's not an alien".

Of course, this news would be startling if I didn't just make a fascinating discovery of my own: Karolina Kurkova - has a face. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! That's how you report, my friends. That's how you report.

Source: Karolina Kurkova doesn't have a belly button

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, stars of the movie Twilight, stopped by The Today Show this morning where they took questions from a maniacal gaggle of teenage girls. You could tell in the video (after the jump) Robert Pattinson was definitely broadsided by his new heartthrob status. I almost feel bad for the guy. If anyone knows what it's like to wake up every morning knowing the whole world wants to do you, it's me. Yet somehow I persevere - for the children. NOTE: Insanity kicks in around the 7:00 mark. Kudos to Robert Pattinson for attempting to understand the crazy then quickly realizing these chicks wouldn't think twice about wearing his skin as a coat.

Source: Robert Pattinson could probably create an army of teenage girls and destroy us all

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Jennifer Garner is a pretty smart mom. She's read all the books and knows there's one thing to definitely avoid during pregnancy: A crazed lunatic who claims to hear directly from God. (Sarah Palin?) Which is why she recently filed a restraining order against the man who's been stalking her since 2002, according to Star:

In papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Nov. 7, the mom-to-be asks for protection against Steven R. Burky, 36, who she alleges has "engaged in obsessive and harassing behavior, posting about me on the Internet, sending me multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country, through multiple states, to make contact with me."
Jennifer's sworn affidavit states that Burky has shown up at her private residence — where she lives with hubby Ben Affleck and their 2-year-old, Violet — and said that "God sent him a vision" that the actress would be persecuted in a way that could result in her death.

Why do stalkers always seem to have a shitload of frequent flier miles? This guy apparently followed Jennifer Garner "around the country, through multiple states." Jesus. Do you know the last time I went on vacation? I was eight. And it wasn't so much a vacation as my dad telling me that mowing the yard was this "Disney Land" all my friends were talking about. It wasn't. But I did get bit by a snake and hallucinated Goofy stabbed him with the hedge clippers. Ha ha! That's not how you give someone a handshake. EDIT: Added a pic of Crazy Crazystein along with copies of some of the letters he sent Jennifer Garner. In case you want to make your own stalker letters at home with a friend.

Source: Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww...)

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Guy Ritchie just poured tea, biscuits and poor dental hygiene all over Madonna's claims that he's a gold-digger. The British director has refused to accept a penny of her money in their divorce settlement with his only concern being the living arrangement of their children. The Daily Mail reports:

Although Ritchie, himself believed to be worth £30m, was entitled under English divorce law to as much as half of her wealth, sources suggest he has done a 'Piper' - a reference to Billie Piper, the actress who divorced the broadcaster Chris Evans without asking for anything.
The stumbling block in the split had been over where Ritchie and Madonna’s children will now live.
Madonna, 50, wished to take the children back to New York while Ritchie, 40, wanted to keep his sons in London, where they have grown up.
The source said a compromise had now been reached which will see the two boys - Rocco, eight, and three-year-old adopted David - dividing their time between Britain and the US.

Before everyone starts singing the praises of Guy Ritchie, his intentions are not entirely altruistic. C'mon, the dude's smart. He knows you don't steal a mummy's gold without a scorpion ending up in your urethra. That's science.

Source: Guy Ritchie declines Madonna's money in divorce settlement

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Paris Hilton and Benji Madden officially threw in the towel yesterday, according to her rep. While Paris was recently spotted with her ex Stavros Niarchos over the weekend, friends say that had nothing to do with the breakup. Which I entirely believe based solely on the fact that Benji Madden looks like Uncle Fester: Hot Topic Edition. Us Magazine reports:

"Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends," a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us.
"Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn't get along with any of her friends," the source tells Us. "Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again."
The couple stayed faithful to each other, stresses the source. Hilton was spotted with her ex, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, in Miami over the weekend, while Madden, 29, hung in NYC with his bro, Joel (beau of Hilton's best friend, Nicole Richie).
"Nothing went on between Paris and Stav in Miami," the source tells Us. "She was there for a girls weekend with her BFFs."

Benji Madden must really be kicking himself now for breaking up with Sophie Monk. And by kicking himself I of course mean staring down his pants and crying "Please grow back, penis. I'll be good! Honest."

Source: Paris Hilton & Benji Madden break up

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Mischa Barton recently launched her new website and in the clip above gave a nice little shout-out to yours truly. Mischa, I hope you didn't just write a check your breasts can't cash. No, seriously, my brother works for a collection agency. UPDATE: If I call him at work again, he's telling mom. Damn. You win this round, Mischa Barton. This round...

Source: Mischa Barton, there're some things you just don't joke about

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Eva Longoria flashed her Spanx outside of Beso last night. For those of you who don't wear a pair everyday like The Geekologie Writer, from Wikipedia:

SPANX, Inc. is a U.S. company which mainly manufactures footless pantyhose and other undergarments for women, particularly "body shaping" undergarments designed to give the wearer a slim and shapely appearance. The company's products are supposedly marketed to fit contemporary female lifestyles and fashion trends.

For those of you wondering what shape Eva Longoria would be if she didn't wear Spanx, my money's on rhombus. Or octagon. It's a toss-up.

Source: Eva Longoria flashes her Spanx

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In the above clip from the upcoming MTV documentary Britney: For the Record, Britney Spears reveals she can easily be replaced with a chimp playing a tambourine on her album and also regrets marrying Kevin Federline. You know, despite the fact they had two kids, but, eh, that's not important:

"Instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of everything."

When reached for comment Kevin Federline responded by laughing his way to the nearest bank and cashing his $20,000 monthly support check. NOTE: Video after the jump of Britney Spears once again hinting she's never more than two steps away from stabbing her therapist in the neck and fleeing pantsless through downtown LA. Whee!

Source: Britney Spears 'married for the wrong reasons,' has recording talent of a ham sandwich

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Economy gotcha down? Suri Cruise'll make it all better. The adorable half-pint, who may or may not be the product of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen man-goo, sent the Internet a flutter today when it was revealed she topped Forbes.com "Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots" list. Turns out during these times of financial woes, folks just can't get enough of a miniature Katie Holmes:

But as the economy heads toward what many predict is a recession, these adorable kids--and the desire to chronicle their upbringings--may become more important than ever. Simply put, fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.
Dina Sansing, entertainment director for Us Weekly agrees:"It's much more fun to look at cute pictures of Suri," she says, "than think about how much your 401(k) has decreased."
Suri's first place ranking on the list comes from strong performances across the board. She earned the top spot for public awareness, received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown kiddie and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles.

Here's the complete list of high-powered spawns: 1. Suri Cruise 2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt 3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt 4. Pax Jolie-Pitt 5. Sam Alexis Woods 6. Cruz Beckham 7. Matilda Rose Ledger 8. David Banda 9. Sean Preston Federline 10. Sam Sheen Ha! Denise Richard's daughter lost to Britney Spears' kid - and it wasn't even the cute one! I'd love to be a fly on their wall when that news hit. DENISE: Sam, I'm very disappointed in you. SAM: I'm sowwy, mama. DENISE: You did a very bad thing. Jesus, that little boy's parents are practically brother and sister. SAM: Yes, mama. DENISE: We should probably stage a press conference and say it was your father's fault. SAM: Daddy puts sugar in his nose to give him happy thoughts. DENISE: Okay, good. You remembered your lines.

Source: Suri Cruise kicks the economy's ass, says Forbes.com

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Turns out "former" call girl Ashley Alexander Dupre isn't quite done whoring herself out yet. In the latest issue of People, Ashley gives her first interview about being ensnared in the FBI investigation that led to the resignation of her frequent client New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. (Bikini photos added for journalistic emphasis.): On the real Ashley: "I am a normal girl. Everyone knows me as 'that girl,' but I'm not just 'that girl.' I have a lot of depth, a lot of layers." On not knowing who Eliot Spitzer was: "Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other. With him, it clearly was not like that. It was more of a transaction. Strictly business. I was there for a purpose – not to wonder who [he] could be." On becoming a prostitute: "This wasn't any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them," she reasoned. "The only difference is I can pay my rent." On how her mother found out: Once the FBI told her they were looking into one of her clients, Dupré says she was forced to confide in her homemaker mother, Carolyn, that she was turning tricks. "It was extremely painful for her," Dupré says, though "my mother wasn't angry. She was supportive." - - "This wasn't any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them." - Ashley Alexandra Dupre, hooker, poet, dream girl. She had me at "I was there for a purpose." *sigh*

Source: Ashley Dupre stretches those 15 minutes, gives first interview on Eliot Spitzer scandal

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A recently bankrupt Suge Knight is apparently trying to sue anyone he can by claiming they caused him to lose his insanely expensive earrings. Of course, the thought that maybe he's in bankruptcy court because his earwear cost more than a small house is completely lost on him. TMZ reports and, if I'm reading this right, calls Suge Knight a prison bitch:

Suge claims in his U.S. Bankruptcy case that while he was in custody back in 2005, he was passed around like a $2 whore -- from Barstow police to the West Valley Detention Center to the California Institution for Men.
Somewhere along the way, Suge says his diamond stud earring was stolen.
Interesting, because Suge just filed a lawsuit against Kanye West, claiming West was responsible for another Suge earring heist. When Kanye was hosting a party in 2005, Suge was shot and his $135,000 earring was allegedly pilfered off his bleeding body.

On a related note, I'm suing Burger King for making me wait too long for my Whopper causing the loss of my 24" solid gold penis. Its estimated value is $2.6 million after factoring in the mini-bar, laser-firing capabilities and all leather interior. I'll see you in court. (Bring pickles.)

Source: Suge Knight needs to lay off the earring lawsuits (Or not. Please don't kill me.)

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Just like her best friend Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow might be ditching her British husband Coldplay singer Chris Martin. Instead of seeing him perform this weekend, Gwyneth opted to attend the opening of Fountainebleu in Miami at the personal invitation of the owner Jeff Soffer. Page Six reports:

Paltrow and Soffer - a billionaire bachelor who's regarded as Miami royalty - have become very good friends recently, insiders added.
Adding to speculation, Paltrow didn't stay at the hotel with other guests, opting to "stay at a friend's house instead for more privacy," a source reports. While attending the Victoria's Secret party and show, she "remained closed off in a private section and hung out with Soffer and Madonna paramour Alex Rodriguez."
On Friday, Soffer gave Paltrow a private tour of the hotel and then whisked her away in his Bentley. Saturday, she joined him on his yacht with her pal Kate Hudson.
Adding fuel to the fire was the way Paltrow looked in Miami. "She was very, very thin," a witness noted. "She looked stressed out. And she certainly didn't act like a happily married woman."

So I'm guessing it's safe to assume this Jeff Soffer character had a wild threesome with Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Hudson on a pile of diamonds in international waters. Pfft. Who hasn't? Get back to me when you do something original, Jeff.

Source: Gwyneth Paltrow might be pulling a Madonna

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In an interview with GMTV, Angelina Jolie says she had trouble simultaneously breastfeeding her 4-month-old twins, Knox and Viv, and also discusses how she and Brad Pitt attend events with baby pee on them. According to Us Weekly:

"You think, 'Ah, if anybody can do that, I can do that,' she says in an interview on British show GMTV. "But it's a lot harder than it looks in the books. I did that a few times, but [mostly] I would take turns. It just takes a long time." (In the books? Tricks like the "double football hold.") Jolie, 33, says she weaned the twins when they were 3 months old. "[That was] about as much as I could do," she says. So how does having six kids affect her Hollywood commitments with Brad Pitt? "The only time it ever collides is if, you know, we're trying to get ready for some event where we have to walk a carpet and somebody gets peed on, and figures, 'Oh well, I guess we'll be wearing that this evening," she says.

Sure, learning about Angelina Jolie's breasts is great, but I'm more interested in these photos. Can somebody explain to me again why the pedophile porn star is trying to molest the wax figure? It sounds like it'd be a great story.

Source: Angelina Jolie talks about the twins

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If you're like me, you'd swear on your mother's grave Nicole Kidman does not have nipples because, seriously, has anyone ever seen one? Up until now, you'd have better luck capturing Bigfoot. While attending the Sydney premiere of her new movie Australia, Nicole gave the world a glimpse at her impossibly small areola. I've literally seen bigger nipples on cats. Which leads me to believe Tom Cruise either attacked her chest with a shrinking ray or his Fisher-Price belt sander. The man hates breasts, folks. NOTE: Pics link to LSFW versions that, if your boss can see while walking by, congratulations! You work for Superman.

Source: Nicole Kidman has nipples (Or at least half of the world's tiniest one)

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Apparently, it requires a highly trained expert to figure out what the fuck is going on inside Michael Jackson's head. Shocker! The NY Daily News reports:

A sheikh subsidizing Michael Jackson spent almost $350,000 on a brain-power guru to help the singer's creative juices flow.
"Mind-mapping and motivational guru" Tony Buzan came to Bahrain for a week at the singer's request, said Bankim Thanki, lawyer for Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad al-Khalifa, who is suing Jackson for $7 million in a breach-of-contract case here.
Buzan "did not come cheap," he noted in court today: Buzan charged $37,000 a session for a total of $343,000.
"Who paid for that? Yes, Sheikh Abdulla," said Thanki.
The 33-year-old sheikh - son of the king of Bahrain - alleges that Jackson took millions in advances from him but failed to deliver on contractually agreed projects, including an album, a "frankly personal" autobiography and a musical.

$350,000 sounds like a bargain, because Michael Jackson's brain has to be a pretty dangerous neighborhood to go strolling around in. Sure, at first it probably seems like a nice enough place, filled with cute little pop tunes. Then you wander into the section where the two Coreys are waltzing with each other in Jesus juice-stained nighties, and Bubbles the Chimp is trying to lure that kid from Jerry Maguire into the back of a van. It's probably safer to sell pork rinds door-to-door in downtown Kabul.

Source: Michael Jackson's brain erroneously valued at $350,000

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After regaining her figure and being allowed to transport her sons across state lines without a SWAT team escort, you'd think Britney Spears would be happy with her new life. She's not. In an upcoming documentary Britney: For the Record, she reveals her torment, and also that she saw that Groundhog Day movie once. The Sun reports:

"There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail you know there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day. “I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening. If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time.
“I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.”

Dear Britney, I've been there. Oh, how I've been there. In fact, some days I'm still there. (We're talking about locking yourself in your own trunk, right?) Sometimes, when I'm standing in line at Starbucks, I too want to throw my shit at people and yell "Pip pip cheerio, fuckers!" It's like an itch you have to scratch. Or pour an entire venti mocha on; I'm not a doctor. But at the end of day, I don't. And you wanna know why? Let me share with you some words that are dear to my heart and, hopefully, will inspire you in this journey called "life": I'm a second striker. JUMANJI! The Superficial Writer

Source: Britney Spears apparently hates looking awesome, seeing her kids

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To whoever convinced Jessica Simpson all men want to secretly bang Daisy Duck, hardy har har, asshole. I kid. High five! Do Heidi Montag next.